Holding Space for Those Grieving: A Guide to Compassionate Support
This post has been on my heart to write for some time now. When I lost my dad in 2020, I was so comforted by how family and friends supported me during such a difficult time. That experience also taught me ways to show up for others, along with things to avoid. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and when someone we care about is navigating the challenging path of loss, it's crucial to offer support in a way that respects their unique experience. Holding space for those grieving requires a delicate balance of presence, empathy, and understanding. In this post, we'll explore meaningful ways to provide comfort and support during such difficult times. Please note, my personal connection to grief is related to the death of a loved one; however, the tips shared can be applied to other losses and grief in general.
1. Pull Up (if you're close): Reading the Energy
If you're close to the grieving person, consider physically being there for them. However, it's important to be attuned to their needs and emotions. Understand that they may not want company for an extended period, and it's crucial to read their energy. Be present without overstepping boundaries, and don't overstay your welcome. A simple gesture, like sitting silently with them or offering a comforting touch, can speak volumes.
2. Reach Out (via phone call and/or text)
In moments of grief, communication becomes a lifeline. Reach out to the grieving person through a phone call or a heartfelt text message. Express your condolences and let them know that you are available to talk or listen whenever they are ready. Grieving can be an isolating experience, and the simple act of reaching out can make a significant difference. You don’t have to have the perfect words either, and you don’t have to be long-winded. Just speak from the heart and use your best judgement. One tip is to refrain from phrases like, “I can’t imagine what I would do if I lost my mom/dad/child/etc.” or “that’s so horrible, I know you are devastated” or “I know you’re sad, but God makes no mistakes”. Perhaps consider loving words like, “my heart goes out to you”, “I’m here for you”, “I love you”, “I’m praying for and thinking of you and the family”.
3. Send Food
Practical gestures often carry great emotional weight. Sending a meal or snacks can be a thoughtful way to ease the burden of daily tasks for someone who may be overwhelmed by grief. Consider dietary preferences and restrictions, and choose comforting and nourishing options that require minimal preparation. If you can’t provide a meal itself, consider sending a DoorDash or UberEats gift card.
4. Send a Gift
A thoughtful gift can provide a tangible reminder of your support. Choose something meaningful or consider items that promote self-care, such as scented candles, a cozy blanket, or a journal. Personalized gifts, like a photo album or a custom piece of art, can also serve as cherished mementos. The gifts that warmed my heart the most when my dad passed were a comfort gift box and a card with a photo of my dad sketched on it. The gift doesn’t have to be grandiose. Just letting the person know you’re thinking of them is more than enough. My go to gift for those grieving is the Bereavement Love Box from Love Goods Co. You can use code SHALYCETYSON for a discount.
5. Offer Support
While sending food and a gift are acts of support, there are a wide array of other opportunities to offer support. Perhaps it’s buying flowers for a funeral or sending a monetary gift, or watching children while the adults handle burial plans, helping with arrangements and more. Expressing your support doesn't always require grand gestures. Sometimes, a heartfelt message or simply stepping in can go a long way.
6. Pray
We often hear people say “praying for you” when they offer condolences. When making that statement, it’s important to actually follow through. Now, you don’t have to pray with the person on the phone, but it’s so important to really pray for them during your prayer time. Consider praying for those grieving beyond the first week of loss, too…the holidays, birthdays and whenever you think of them are good times to offer up prayers for peace and comfort.
7. Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice
Grief is a complex and individual experience, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Resist the urge to offer unsolicited advice or try to fix the situation. Instead, focus on listening and providing a safe space for the grieving person to express their emotions without judgment.
8. Resist the Urge to Share Your Personal Grief Story Right Away
While sharing common experiences can be valuable, it's essential to exercise sensitivity and timing. Immediately sharing your personal grief story may inadvertently shift the focus away from the person who is grieving. Allow them the space to share their feelings without feeling compelled to relate it back to your own experiences.
9. Avoid Assuming You Know How Someone Feels Based on Your Personal Experiences
Each person's grief journey is unique, and assuming you know exactly how someone feels can be unintentionally dismissive. Instead of claiming to understand their pain, acknowledge the individuality of their experience. Use phrases like, "I can't say I know how you feel, but since I've sat in a similar seat, please know I'm truly here for you however you need me."
10. Respect the Mourner's Pace
Grieving is a nonlinear process, and everyone copes at their own pace. Respect the mourner's timeline for healing and allow them the space to navigate their emotions without pressure. Avoid rushing them through the stages of grief, and be patient and understanding as they move through their own journey.
Holding space for those grieving requires a blend of compassion, respect, and genuine care. By pulling up when needed, reaching out, sending thoughtful gestures, offering support, incorporating prayer, and respecting the mourner's pace, you can create a supportive environment that allows the grieving person to navigate their journey in their way and time. In times of sorrow, your presence and understanding can make a world of difference.
What other suggestions would you add to this guide? Share in the comments.
Have a glowing day!